Ghost of My Past
by Elaxandrius
Summary: ... But his ghost still haunts me. I’m just not sure whose ghost I mean anymore.


_**Disclaimer: Do not own the characters, but I do own the writing below... lol.**_

**A.N.: I don't really know what I was thinking when I wrote this... I hadn't realized I was even typing until I had finished it. All I know was that I had BBMak's _Ghost of You and Me_ playing in the background when this was written.**

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_Ghost of My Past_

**One-Shot**

Love: the emotion that is foreign to me as happiness is. Love: the one word that has been the cause of my demise as well as my resurrection. Love: the feeling that I have had to relearn. Love: the one thing _he's _given me for three years.

Hate: the emotion I felt for the better part of my life. Hate: the word that sums up what I know. Hate: the only feeling I have had for the longest of time. Hate: the one thing _he's_ taught me.

Shindou Shuichi: annoying, loud, childish. Shuichi: beautiful, loyal, forgiving, my future. Shuichi: mine, mine… mine. He's a brat, but he's _my_ brat.

Kitazawa Yuki: despicable, traitor, betrayal. Yuki: mentor, loved, yearned… past.. Yuki: the ghost that has been haunting my life, my memories, and my heart. He's my past, but he's the past that won't let me go.

One's the past while the other's the future. How is it that I'm stuck in the in-betweens? Two people; one whom I loved like a fool whilst the other loves me foolishly. Both caused me pain, but in two different ways. Yearning for things I can never have… pining for a life that was never meant to be mine. I could not leave my past behind, and so I could not move on to my future. My past would not let me free, and I would not accept my future. I kept my past and my future left me.

How ironic can it be that the person whom I have pushed away countless of times became the one who wouldn't go, who later became the one that left when I needed him the most? Maybe it's karma or maybe it's my punishment, but either way, I'm stuck in this eternal loop. Loving a person who would not love back and forsaking the one who does.

Kitazawa Yuki had my unconditional love when I was younger and betrayed me in the cruelest way possible. I had the unconditional love of one Shindou Shuichi and betrayed him by keeping him with me when I knew he deserved better.

Three years down the road and where am I? Alone in a New York condo, staring out into the night, smoking and drinking my life way. Alone and empty, like the way I was before a certain pink-haired boy entered my life. I lost my light; the light that has sustained me for nearly four years of my life before my actions came back and bit me in the ass. What did I do? I let it go. Ha! More like I forced it out of my life, and this time, it never came back.

I've come to realize that I loved him… probably more than I did Yuki. Pity the realization came too late. Three years ago, on this day, I lost him to a drunk driver. I kicked him out of the apartment once again for being a distraction. I needed to get my novel done, and soon. He wouldn't shut up, so I did the next best thing. Pushed him out the front door and ignored his pleas to be let back in. I didn't know that that would be the worst mistake I'd ever make in my life. I didn't know that I wouldn't see him again after that night… at least not _alive_.

Didn't realize he was missing until the next morning when I turned on the television and saw the news. Ran out the door faster than I could ever remember running in my life. Should have answered the phone the night before… maybe if I did, I'd have enough time to tell him good-bye and that I did love him. But by the time I got there, they told me he was gone already. Spent his waking moments asking for me, he did. Even at death's door, he calls out for me. And I couldn't be bothered. My life was dying and I _couldn't be bothered_! Now I have nothing but memories of the past to survive on.

Again, memories are all that I have left. The two people I loved left me. I killed both. Different methods, yes, but the murderer's the same nonetheless. And I know it. And now, I've left everything behind…

… But _his_ ghost still haunts me. I'm just not sure whose ghost I mean anymore.

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**A.N.: ... yeah...**


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